Petty Vengence
by muaaimoi
Summary: In which Penny and Sheldon conspire independently, and somehow still manage to work together. For he 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Halloween challenge.


Penny is not a cruel person. Cruelty is not something she enjoys. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't know how to be. Penny was a cheerleader, after all, she knows how to be mean when she wants to be. Leonard had cheated on her, she'd decided to forgive him, but she would have her revenge. Take a play out of Sheldon's book and let it lie. Keep him in a false sense of security until she felt fully avenged.

Bernadette had no problem cooking up some pills full of lactose to switch with Leonard's lactase pills for her. And it wasn't exactly difficult to switch them out while he was at work.

Then it was just a matter of getting him to eat something with dairy in it. It wouldn't be very hard, they were in the middle of a heatwave, after all.

 **x**

Leonard had changed.

Sheldon had once thought he was a good guy. The kind of man who would do heroic deeds for the right reasons, instead of recognition. The kind of man he would be happy to call, if not an equal, then a friend.

He'd originally attributed the changes in attitude and behavior to Penny. Women had a long sordid history of twisting men into unrecognizable husks of their former selves, after all. That perhaps his affections for their comely neighbor had warped the man he'd once considered his best friend.

He had not enjoyed these changes. Had in fact punished him severely for them in many ways Leonard hadn't realized were punishments at all, but that made Sheldon feel better none the less. He liked Penny, for all that he couldn't honestly justify the fondness to himself. He'd prefer to have her as a friend, no matter what her presence did to Leonard's moral character.

But then he'd cheated on Penny. On the woman he'd wanted to marry.

Sheldon couldn't explain the wrathful ice that had crawled its way down his spine at this. The icy rage was new for him, but the immediate decision to punish Leonard for his actions was not.

Amy had been very helpful, offering up her lab to cook up a particularly potent strain of Ecoli bacteria. Then it was only a matter of tainting some of Leonard's dairy free produce to ensure he'd be infected, and sit back to watch Leonard suffer.

 **x**

Leonard had made the mistake of having a milkshake.

It had been obscenely hot all week. He'd felt like a pig, sweating buckets all day. It was the worst kind of weather to venture outside when the better option was clearly staying home with the AC on. But Penny had winked and told him she wanted his help picking out something racy. How could he say no to that?

Of course they'd stopped for refreshments. But his palms were so sweaty he'd dropped his soda. He hadn't been able to resist sucking down the frothy icy goodness of the milkshake after that.

He blamed Penny, with her low cut shirt, and distracting miniskirt, offering him a sip of hers. He hadn't realized he'd been drinking it all until his stomach started violently protesting. Even then, he'd thought his jealousy about the way the men on the boardwalk were looking at his wife had been making him feel sick, at first. God, one would think she'd dress less provocatively now that they were married, but he hadn't said anything about it just yet. He was still on pretty thin ice since he'd cheated on her.

He'd rushed straight to the nearest bathroom on the boardwalk, sitting on the first toilet he'd come across, no matter how unsanitary as his ass did it's best impression of a hose. His ass burned so bad it made his eyes water.

Leonard closed his eyes as bile rose in his throat and he tried to hold it in.

His stomach rolled painfully and Leonard reached for his pills and prayed that they started working faster.

Leonard popped more of his lactase pills, but they weren't helping. He kept feeling worse and worse, the smell of his own waste making him feel light headed with the strength of its stench.

What the fuck had been in that milkshake?

His hands trembled as he tried to open his pill bottle again. But his hands were shaking so bad he dropped them. he tried leaning forward to grab it but all it did was make the nausea worse as he vomited what felt like his lungs out.

He needed a hospital, he needed to get to his phone. He shivered, another convolution rocking him as his ass deposited whatever had been left inside his intestines into the toilet.

He felt delirious, burning from the inside out, he needed help.

His tongue felt swollen and heavy as he tried opening his mouth to cry out, but all he could do was vomit up his stomach acid, he had nothing left to expel.

Or at least that's what he thought when his stomach lurched so violently and painfully that he passed out. Leonard hofstadter knew no more.

The home cooked strain of Ecoli he'd unknowingly consumed early in the morning worked diligently to expel all possible fluids from his body even in his unconscious state.

Perhaps, if someone had called the hospital in time he would have made it.

He didn't.

 **x**

Penny had taken her time window shopping as Leonard suffered the consequences of cheating on her. Time seemed to fly by as she cruised the nearby stores with a smile on her face and a song in her heart. She'd had to turn down more than one guy who'd missed her wedding ring, or just didn't mind what it meant that she had one.

She only realized something was wrong when a crowd began to gather near the building she'd left Leonard in.

She couldn't believe it when she heard a guy rush past her to exclaim to his friend that "a guy had died in the bathroom covered in his own shit".

His friend made a face, replying that was "too gross".

Penny could only gape, "What?"

 **x**

 **This story is for the 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Halloween challenge. It's also even funnier when you realize that Leonard is a piece of shit that died on a toilet where he belongs.**

 **I had a better idea actually, but I had midterms and no time, so this was all I could type up today, sorry!**

 **Hope you guys liked it anyways, Happy Halloween!**


End file.
